Finding Respite

Have you ever grown tired of being around the same faces? Talking to the same people? Pretending to be this person you know you really aren’t?

Well I am tired and I’m ready to seek respite. By the time this post goes up (as I schedule my posts) I would have found respite and become rejuvenated. But currently in this state I am in, I am Typing, contemplating and hoping that one day I could find respite away from everyone and everything.

Some people will say turn to God and I know I should but even that gives me anxiety. Some would say talk to a therapist but they never have the right answers.

Others say talk to friends but often friends are the ones who make me feel this way, sometimes I feel like running from people I know because I’m tired of being a fraud.

So here are some tips on finding respite:

-turn off your phone

-turn off the lights

-turn off all screens

-close your eyes

-play soft music

-sleep consecutively with only breaks in between to eat

Sometimes respite is just turning down the noise of my surroundings and reducing the volume in my mind. Respite is being alone. I can find respite within me.

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you.

But all my memories are darkened and tainted with the times you and I

Spent together. You were me and I was you

We became one and now it’s hard to tear myself away

I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you.

Our toxic relationship was on display for the whole world to see

But I wasn’t ashamed. I saw you as safety and in some twisted way

You saved me and I enabled you.

I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you.

But every time I try I’m reminded that I’ve never lived because of you

How many days did I spend away from you? We were together for so long

I forget what living for me felt like.

I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you.

But here I am again, sitting alone writing about you

My life circles around you, no pill, or therapy can separate the two of us

Why was I so foolish to lie in bed with you

Oh fuck, I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you

But depression, for some reason my mind won’t erase the memories of you

My heart is black and blue and you are every hue of those shades

Guarding the light from touching me…

You used me and now I try to write poems about you

I want everyone to see what you did to me

How broken you left me, the nightmare in every dream,

You’re the thing that goes bump in the night,

If I start to scream people will think I am mad

I’ve written thousands of poems about you and every time I close my eyes

I see visions of a life I could have escaped to.

But you kept me hidden and told me lies,

No one would love me unless I opened my thighs.

Sigh.

I’ve tried to write poems that weren’t about you and failed.

Therapy is a holy grail and I’m ready smash it

Sertraline is a similar facade, and you mock it.

Maybe I’m the clown.

Maybe I’m the poem that needs to not be written.

Maybe I’m the cause of my depression

Life after death

‘And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.’

John 1:5 KJV

For some reason this is how I imagine life after death to be like. Death is a darkness we must all face. And as a Christian I believe the light is the afterlife. The light that shines, I views as God on the throne ready to judge us and receive us (who are worthy) into his kingdom. Death can not comprehend the light (God). The word comprehend means an array of things, from fathom and understanding to getting to the bottom of something. Imagine, death cannot fathom God. So if we really think about it, what we know as death doesn’t make sense when we include God.

We can read the verse differently. ‘And God (light) shines in death (darkness); and death (darkness) cannot fathom God (it).’ This is a promise to God’s children. We have no need to worry about death because when God is involved, there are matters that we cannot understand.

Those who believe in Jesus shall have eternal life (John 3:16). I want to have eternal life. And I feel like what it takes to actually receive it is so little.

All I need to do is accept Jesus as my Lord and saviour, Open my heart to the word of God, read my bible and live as Jesus would. Honestly, it’s so simple…but sometimes I can’t even seem to meet these basic requirements. Let’s be honest, Christianity is a journey, a personal walk with Christ.

But sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I feel like I need to compete with other Christians, sometimes I forget to stay in my own lane and stop looking at other people’s faith. It’s hard. Christianity is not a competition, I know this. But the world has me thinking I need to be competing.

But God loves me, I don’t need to compete for his attention because I already have it. I am a chosen people, a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9).

Really and truly if I just follow the basic requirements and mind my business, my afterlife is secure. I really hope all my good deeds on earth and the brownie points have been accumulating towards my perfect house in heaven. When I was younger my main motivation to get to heaven was to see my brother again, then my grandmothers and my grandfathers. But as I grew older my motivation to reach heaven, and to secure an afterlife of promised external life, changed. My motivation is now the idea of seeing Christ, first hand. To feel a sense of relief that my belief in him was real, it meant something. To witness him when I reverence and praise him.

But once again, I struggle. I doubt God sometimes, when things get hard, I know I shouldn’t but I always fear God has left me or he doesn’t love me. I don’t read my Bible often enough, I don’t live as Jesus would all the time. I backslide a lot.

Yet Jesus loves me because I see his good works. So I guess there is hope for my life after death. Because I don’t stop trying and God doesn’t stop loving me, forgiving me and receiving me in his arms again.

I pray we are all worthy of the eternal life God promised. I don’t want us to miss the opportunity to meet Jesus.

Life updates:)

1) I’m in a strange limbo of thinking I’m happy but knowing in the back of my mind that I’m actually numb and waiting to know what happiness really is

2) The longer I am away from my parents the more I miss them but I know it’s because I can embrace them more in small doses

3) I get nervous about my relationship with God because I feel like outwardly people see me as a sinner but my heart legit beats for God. I need to work on this, I want my outward appearance to reflect Jesus…but my views on this is so complex so it’ll take time

4) I’m making new bonds at uni and thinking of breaking some because I’ve seen some people’s real character and it frightens me

5) I’m getting used to this loneliness thing which is good because I’m learning to make my own company more accommodating. I generally like my own company but sometimes my mind twists being alone with myself and my thoughts into something negative and self-destructive

6) I’m realising not everyone needs to know me and I need to learn how to pim. As a whole I’m an open person but sometimes I need to be more sheltered so my heart can be guarded.

7) I’ve been missing my brother a lot more. All the older people I considered to be my ‘symbolic’ siblings are all growing up and with that they are growing so distant. It just makes me feel a little empty that I’ll never actually know a sibling’s love the way my friends do.

The early bird catches the worm…

…and chooses when to eat it.

{This will be brief because I’ve been out of the blogging mentality for a while now and I’m trying to get the swing of this again.)

So ‘the early bird catches the worm and chooses when to eat it’. Recently I’ve been thinking about how there is a time for everything and how everyone has 24 hours in a day. I think these thoughts were triggered by a friend of mine’s podcast about time, and the need for us to stop fighting a mental war against time but to go with it’s the flow.

‘Time waits for no man’

‘Time is of the essence’

‘Time is a prison’

‘Time never stops, even if we do’

I could go on…

But I’ll stop there.

Time scares the C R A P out of me. I never seem to understand why, because I’m doing everything I can in the moment. I never stop working with time or fighting against it. My multitasking skills have really strengthened recently because my daily to do lists must be accomplished and are always fulfilled before I go to bed. But recently I’ve been having too much time on my hands. I get my uni work done. I go to my actual job, I work at my second job, I’m a peer mentor, I’m part of an extra curricular project, I’m on two societies at uni. BUT TELL ME WHY I STILL MANAGE TO SLEEP 10-15 hours a day. Keep in mind I actually go to my lectures.

Then I realised. The early bird catches the worm and chooses when to eat it.

I’ve already laid my foundation, I can work with time, I can complete my to do lists, I can beat my procrastination. So now that I have little to nothing to do, I can rest. My ‘worm’ is ‘rest’. I generally hate it but I am teaching myself to embrace it. I’ve got time to rest now, so I can rest whenever I want because there will always be time for me to do work. Time is my friend now.

I’m the early bird who caught the worm (rest) and now I can choose when to eat it (when to rest).

Prayer before Opinion

Matthew 6:33 NKJV

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

I’ve been trying to adopt a God over everything mentality recently, to help develop my faith and strengthen my relationship with God.

This mentality involved:

-seeking God First before talking to a friend or companion

-pausing my thoughts to hear what God has to say

-pushing away my opinion and others opinions of a situation and searching the Bible to see what God has to say

-praying for God’s peace and the Holy Spirit’s presence before my mind takes over and is consumed with worry

So that’s what I’ve been doing, and…

It’s been working, scarily enough.

I know with God all things are possible, even little things like not listening to opinions and praying first are things he can help people with.

My youth pastor recently gave an amazing analogy about Faith. He said yes, Faith is believing, but as Christians we forget that Faith is also E X P E C T I N G.

I believed God would help me but I didn’t expect it, my lack of expectations may have hindered God from actually delivering on his promises and actually providing the help in the way I had imagined.

The analogy carries on to say, in London you have the bus app, so when you’re at a bus stop you expect the bus to arrive at the given time on the bus app. It’s no just a belief but it’s an expectation that the bus will arrive. AND that’s how we should view God, in everything, in our prayers, our daily lives, we should NOT just believe but we should also EXPECT God to do miraculous things, little things, helpful things, amazing works. We should Just expect God to show himself in all situations that we call him into.

So back to the Matthew 6:33. (I truly believe and know that the Bible was written so strategically, the syntax is perfect). So walk with me. We can break it down. We are first told to Seek FIRST the Kingdom of God. Not to see God after someone has given an opinion or after your thoughts have clouded your judgement. BUT to seek FIRST the Kingdom of God.

Okay Bet.

We have done this, so next? The verse also commands us to seek FIRST God’s righteousness, straight after. So we first seek God, AND his righteousness. We need to deep what Righteousness even means. To be righteous is to be morally right or justifiable, to be worthy, good, upright, upstanding and decent.

Hmm…aren’t these qualities we would need to have in situations that we may experience? After seeking God, we need to seek these qualities.

This is why I believe the Bible is so strategically laid out. Seek God, then seek valued characteristics that will place you above a situation. Not only above it but also will give you an insight into what is ‘morally right and justifiable’. Imagine in every situation you’re in, you can produce a morally right response to it with the help of God? Imagine how quick and easy life would become for you? How simple situations will be?

So we have sought after God and His righteousness before we allow our minds to take over. Next, we need to do nothing but receive, all God has to offer us. If you wish to read up before Matthew 6 vs 33, you’ll see many questions being asked about what a group of people have. Like “what Shall we eat?” “What shall we wear?” “What shall we drink?” But we are instructed to ONLY seek God and His righteousness FIRST. And God will do EVERYTHING ELSE. See how necessary it is to pray before having an opinion or a mental break down or allowing your anxiety to get the better of you.

It’s so simple…God First, and everything will follow accordingly.

Verse 34 even further shows how little we need to do to be rewarded with the access to the power of God.

So seeking God and His righteousness first and (vs 34) we need not to worry about tomorrow.

I’m going to leave it there, because sometimes even God’s word doesn’t need interpretation. God said seek me and my righteousness first and you’ll have everything you need and will not have to worry about tomorrow.

And all I have to do is seek God First and His righteousness? Yup, it’s the little simple things we do that God appreciates and I’m going to continue my God over everything mentality so I can continue to access God’s power.

Have a blessed day x

Help.

Help. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

I feel really heavy, like I’m slipping away into a rabbit hole. But not gracefully; I’m tumbling, bruising and scratching myself on the jagged edges of my thoughts. So close to the end, I feel like landing. But what’s at the end of this fall? Is it death? Or is it a new reality? Or does it never end? Will it be a recurring nightmare I always seem to have? I find that I’m falling so slow but I’m not connected to gravity. Im afraid of seeking a helping hand, incase my weight and the burdens inside my body, drag us both down. Deeper we would plummet. So I keep my hands to myself. My thoughts concealed. My smile at ease. My guard is up, stronger than the walls of Jericho. Who is willing to march around me? To break me down? For these walls to fall?

I’m Hurting

I’m hurting by Anuoluwapo Kehinde.

The weight of the world so suddenly fell on my shoulders and I wept.

I shuddered under the shifting pain, under the unbalanced emotions, beneath the anxiety and depression.

On the ground, the world looked flat. No way around, no turning, nothing to change this story.

The flatness compressing my lungs, I can’t breathe.

I feel so much, overwhelmed with grief and greed and so much guilt.

My skin once so strong, is softening, this world is corrosive, it’s burning right through me.

I’ve been alive longer than I should and my skin is now allergic, I’m sensitive, more fragile than a new born.

I want to be reborn or unborn. Being broken is better than being redone. At least everyone can see that I can malfunction. Much preferred to believing I am a whole creation.

This temporary being has glass cracks, skin wounds, grazes, bruises, burns and cuts. Inhale a battle, exhale the war. The oxygen in the air is dead and CO2 is the graveyards of the deadman’s fight. Please baptise me with freedom, I want to be whole Again.

Why do I believe in God?

God has never failed me.

He can do everything but fail.

He is constantly showing me this and I am constantly growing in faith because of it. I believe in God because I cannot imagine my life without him. A life without God, for me, is like a life without purpose, without joy, without love. I cannot live without him. When I look back at my entire life journey, my entire story, all I can think is: “it is only God.”

It would be easy to stop believing in a God who failed. It is easy to lose faith in a God that did not love or forgive or protect you. But that’s not my God. God is loving, he is forgiving, he protects me under the shadow of the almighty (Psalm 91). He protects my Going out and coming in (Psalm 121) he leads me beside still waters (Psalm 23). God just continues to keep promises on a daily basis. Imagine that? He is the same today, yesterday and forever. An unchanging God is a God I can trust and rely on. This is why I believe in God and my faith in him shall never falter because he has never faltered in his love for me.

Book Blog✨

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Dear Ijeawele

A feminist manifesto in fifteen suggestions

So…

What I would like to see from this writer soon:

-A version of this manifesto that addresses fathers on how to raise feminist daughters

-A version of this manifesto that addresses both parents on how to raise feminist children (sons and daughters)

What I do love about this book:

~I love that she wrote this letter to a mother in ‘suggestions’ implying that what she has to say are not a law, they are subjective to the writer and can be followed with caution.

~I also like her use of case studies and her maintenance of the crux of feminism. She does not digress and with each suggestion she remains focused on the idea of raising a daughter as a feminist.

~Not only does she discuss how to raise a daughter as a feminist but she also dismantles absurd feminist notions and reiterated how the parents of the daughter can show and exhibit what feminism is, so that their child has living examples she can emulate.

-It is so well written. I honestly get very annoyed when a book is filled with jargon, dense diction and complex sentences. The way this book in the form of a letter is written is so simple and easy to work through. I really enjoyed reading it.