Control

Control. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

I want to control my own pain

Know that I’m alive

Yet so close to death

I want to slice through flesh

And know that it’s mine for the taking

I am in control of my own pain.

I can’t bring a blade to my thoughts,

Or burn the darkest corners of my mind

Picking each source of anxiety,

Memory of trauma,

Shame; the drama,

I can’t hurt it the way it hurts me.

I can’t breathe the way I did as a child

My ribs have been cracked and broken

Consistently, incessantly…

I’m not the same sweet child I once was

I’m marred with cuts and bruises

Can you still love me the same?

I’ll control the love I receive

And know I can give

You will never see the bleakest sides of me

I will cover my arms with long sleeve

Paint my mind in yellow

And soar too close to the sun

So only I can burn me.

Purpose

Sometimes I wonder why I am alive,

Is this what life is all about?

I used to wish i did not survive…

Something about this way of life-

I mean something about this quality of life-

I think I missed the memo somewhere?

Or maybe it missed me? On purpose?

Am I worth this?

What’s my purpose?

Why was I created on this earth?

Well 3/4 made..

If only I had remained in the womb a little longer,

Maybe my skin would be a lot stronger.

What is my purpose?

God what is the reason for making me this way

You let your will be done

But I’m the one feeling remorse.

I am yet to know my purpose, I am yet to find myself in the way others do. Sometimes I feel like I’ve discovered it but it always feels hazy and forced. I want my purpose to be natural. I want my purpose to be my DNA, my genetic make up, my reason for being, why I was created. I survived so much, so it must all be worth it? Right? I get mad at myself for getting angry at God or questioning his will in my life because of my fear of not being good enough. I am afraid that I am wasting my potential, or I won’t discover my purpose in time to do good works, to show God how I can be used on this earth to bless others. I am afraid that my life won’t be worth it, or meaningful.

But I know purpose is something that is hard to find. It doesn’t occur overnight. God will direct my path, reveal my purpose, I just need to be patient. I need to stop self loathing. I need to take it one step at a time. I’ve come this far already, a little more to go wouldn’t hurt me.

Renewal of faith

Let’s talk/rant/dissect mine and others Personal work and walk with Christ…

I AM TIRED of hearing my friends say, ‘I don’t think I am Christian anymore.’

Do you know how scary that is? What do I say back? What is my Godly duty at that moment when I’m spun? But most importantly… why can I relate?

I don’t know what I am. I haven’t been to church in months, I keep hearing bad things about churches and the several doctrines and it puts me off Christianity.

But I genuinely love God. Can I serve God without going to church and serving in a church?

I communicate with God every now and then but not as consistently as I should. Which is something I’m working on, but will God still agree or be in my midst. As the word of God says, where 2 or 3 are gathered, there he is in their midst.

I read the Bible, but I don’t feel directed, is it because I do not go to church?

Will all my ‘christian’ actions lead me back to corrupt churches or will I find a good church? If I will find one, when will that be, so I can stop feeling judged by other ‘Christians.’

Also can God and Jesus lovers/supports, unidentify as Christians. There has to be something else? But then do I need a label for my relationship with God? Can myself and God have a heavenly understanding. Or are there issues with that too?

It’s all very confusing, the Goal is God and the goal is Heaven. But the journey and process required to reach this goal, are very questionable (churches), some flawed (maybe) and on my part, inconsistent.

So what next then Anu? What next…

Pain.

Pain. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

Have you ever closed your eyes and all you could see was death?

Have you ever tossed and turned and figured out why he loved her instead?

Have you ever gasped for more air because your lungs are a vacuum…

Desperate for good things to ruin-

Just like my heart?

Have you ever wondered why God is invisible when he promised he was here ?

Have you ever wondered why you can’t say I love you without shedding a tear?

Have you ever wondered how pain became your biggest fear?

I wonder if you can love again

I wonder when death will come again

I wonder how God will watch your back

I wonder why she was worth your While

I wonder if pain is the only thing we share

Mental health support…✨

For time to talk day, I agreed to talk about how I have supported myself and others through mental health issues and ups and downs.

A lot of people seemed interested in this post, which made me think, instead of just talking about what I’ve done, I can give tips so others can support themselves and their loved ones.

So, I’ll start with, if you love your family and friends you should be willing to go above and beyond for them, to see them happy and flourishing. Which is what I always remember when I feel overwhelmed from helping someone.

Helping people with their mental health can be very draining and even triggering. But sometimes you have to put yourself aside, because you don’t want regrets.

Tips on how to help a loved one based on my experience:

1️⃣ always pick up the phone‼️ yes it might be a drunk call, but it might also be a cry for help. I know it’s 3am and you want to sleep but I’m sure your friend or family members wants to as well, but they just don’t feel so good. So pick up the phone, you can catch up on sleep but not lost time.

2️⃣ never say something you would not want to hear‼️ one too many times I’ve heard people say things to their friends that they wouldn’t necessarily want someone to tell them in their time of need. I’ve done it once before and I apologised greatly for it. However, this does not mean lie to your friend. If, for example they say they want to kill themselves, you can legit ask them why and if it’s a rational thought. Because you’ll help them challenge the way they feel.

3️⃣ don’t be self centred. If someone calls to talk about how they feel, don’t bring up your problems. Listen to them first. Listening is a hard skill to develop, I’m still working on it myself, but it is necessary.

4️⃣ sometimes you have to be creative. Make a bet with a friend to start therapy. Threaten that’ll you tell a sibling (even if you don’t). If your friend matters to you, you would want to do everything possible to make sure they are safe and well.

5️⃣ always get the full picture. If your friend says they feel sick, is it headache sick? Alcohol sick? Mental health sick? This helps with reacting accordingly. Don’t just go straight into call a doctor or go into panic mode. Sometimes all thy need is simple, take a nap, drink warm water or orange juice etc.

6️⃣ if you can’t be with your friend physically, after they’ve had a mental breakdown, be with them virtually. For example, FaceTime for the whole day, call them, play an iMessage game with them, as long as they are responding to you and communicating. After a mental breakdown, it can be very hard to communicate with people again because of feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger and even tiredness.

7️⃣ be ready to spend money. When I’ve cried or had a bad day, my best friend either sends me money to buy my fav food or she just buy it for me and comes to visit me. I do the same for her. I’ve done this for others too and others have done it for me also and it’s made me feel loved. Feeling loved is important.

8️⃣ sometimes you have to pretend you can’t see it. I’ve seen new self harm scars on my friends and family’s bodies and I’ve had to restrain myself from questioning. One because people are usually around and two because they’ll tell you when they are ready or comfortable. Pointing out that they have self harmed again can usually make them feel guilty or ashamed, which is not what we are going for.

9️⃣ sometimes rest is actually needed. I know people joke about sleeping your problems away but sometimes you need to. I’ve had panic attacks because I didn’t allow myself to switch off my brain. To silence your brain, just take a nap, by the time you wake up the thoughts would have rested and i can, with fresh eyes, see solutions to my problems.

🔟 services- there are apps like Calm Harm, What’s Up, Mindshift, SAM and so much more. There is therapy, counselling, the GP, church, and also amazing support systems (consisting of friends and family). If you can’t help yourself and other people, someone definitely can, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. (But of course ask for permission if it’s not you that you’re tryna help).

I hope my tips made sense and you guys could get a feel for how I’ve helped myself and others through ups and downs.

Take care♥️

Mirror Mirror on the wall.

Mirror mirror on the wall. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

She holds her breath in, just to look slimmer,

Wipes her eyes, but little tears still glimmer.

‘God why can’t beautiful souls be pretty on the outside?’

‘God why did you make something so ugly?’

‘God I’m sorry for insulting your work.’

The bathroom smells of bile,

Nails weak, peelings and bruised,

Throat burning like a wound.

Her dinner was only cotton wool,

Popcorn, water and fruits.

A little black book, hidden in her mattress

Recordings of dates, weights and grams –

In a checklist.

She’s wasting away, make a funeral guest list.

Fives years and counting, relapsing not included,

She’s healthy, normal weight

Nails strong, but the mirror still broken.

Thoughts on 2019?

I just want next year to be.

You know? If it’s got to be, it will be. Anu just let it be.

I want a closer relationship with God, always. It’s something I constantly yearn and work towards. And I just want peace and happiness. I definitely want more money, better grades, nicer skin etc.

But non materialistic things I want from next year are:

-closer relationship with God

-peace

-happiness

-fruits of the spirit Galatians 5:22-23

-money making mindset

-new skills and talents

So that’s what I will be praying towards. I pray they align with God’s plan for myself.

Time.

Time. by Anuoluwapo Kehinde

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas everywhere we go,

So memories begin to surface,

My joy slowly fades,

I remember your death again.

I’m 18, you died on the 18th

I’m worried my life will end soon

I wish you had lived to see me get baptised

I wish you could give me money to pay off my overdraft

I’d give my life to pay off yours

I’m knee deep in my debt

All I want for Christmas this year

Is to forget you died this month

To forget I’m alone with my parents

To forget I’ll never be an aunty to your kids

To forget I’ll never know fraternal relationship

To pretend you were here again

And for it to not be weird.

But your dead and Santa doesn’t exist

Closer

Closer. By Anuoluwapo Kehinde

I just want God close

Closer than I’ve ever been to man

I just want God’s love

He sent his only son to die for me

So what love could be greater

I just want to be held

He promised countless times that I will be still – peace

I just want God’s help

When I lift up mine eyes to the hills I know he will rescue me

I just want God’s touch

Healing and transformation is what I need to restore me

I just want God

Someone who knows me inside and out and still loves me the same

I just want God alone.